All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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