I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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