I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
