I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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