Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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