u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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