sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
