I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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