birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
