I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize