is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
