I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
