I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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