i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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