my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
