Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
