Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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