it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize