I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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