in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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