Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
