My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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