you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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