HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
