I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
