Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
