I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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