I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
