I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
