I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
