The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize