either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
