why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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