I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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