the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
