dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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