Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
