I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
