I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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