I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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