you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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