well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
