My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
