I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
