i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
