i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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