why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize