just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
