i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
