A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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