Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
