i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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