I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
