broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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