Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
