I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
this boner is exhausting
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
